Winner! Plus Office! Plus Sappy Emotional Moment!

With absolutely no preamble whatsoever, the winner of the ENDLESSLY contest is MYRNA FOSTER!

Yay Myrna! Email me your address!

For the record, your entries were absofreakinglutely hilarious. Seriously, I was laughing so hard. HUGS FOR ALL MY CLEVER, CLEVER READERS! If you want to be entertained for a few minutes, feel free to read through all the entries. Some awesome stuff in there.

In other news, I am in the midst of mad draft land, writing the MIND GAMES sequel. But I have THIS gorgeous spot to write in now:

Only took me a year-and-a-half to finally get the office/library under control and exactly what I want it to be. So! In case you wondered what this writer's writing space looks like, here it is in all its soft, cushiony glory. (I sit curled up in the corner with my MacBook on my lap. No desks for me.)

More bloggy goodness to come. ENDLESSLY is coming out so soon! And...in just a couple of weeks I can give you a sneak preview of my first book outside of Evie's adventures. Aww, crap. I'm gonna miss that girl. I can't believe that trilogy is almost all published. QUICK. TAKE DEEP BREATHS AND LOOK AT THE OFFICE'S PINK, PINK CORNER:

Whew. Okay. Please refer to the updated "Appearances" page for all of the signing information I have. Not many events this year--honestly, I have so much writing and editing to do, I can't handle much travel. But next year there will be more. Oh yes, there will be more...

(Threat. Not promise. Just in case you were wondering what the tone of the last sentence was.)

TWO MONTHS!

UPDATE: THE CONTEST IS CLOSED.

Two months! Two months! Just two months until ENDLESSLY comes out! Here, have some pretty:

The other day my son sighed and said, "Mom, sometimes I imagine things we're going to do, and they are really fun and awesome. But then when we do them, they aren't as fun as I imagined."

Which, oh sweetheart, I'm sorry you've already discovered this very serious bummer of a fact of life.

But it reminds me of a quote from SUPERNATURALLY, after Evie is devastated to learn that unicorns didn't match up to her Lisa Frank daydreams:

"Faeries didn’t have wings and bordered on evil, pixies were dirty, feral, and tended to bite, and mermaids had neither glorious hair nor seashell bras. Now this about unicorns. Sometimes reality sucked."

I'll admit that, while I went ahead and threw a dragon into ENDLESSLY because really, why not, there is a scene with a unicorn that is probably my favorite. It's Hot Stuff's favorite scene from everything I've ever written. I'm not going to say anything else about it. Okay, fine: RAINBOWS.

I'm so excited for you to read this book!

So! A CONTEST for my last ARC! I want you to tell me how a supernatural creature would disappoint you in reality. I also want you to tell twitter or facebook or your blog. Here are some examples (though you should come up with your own--it's FUN) (yes, this is my idea of fun) (yes, my kids' birthday parties suck):

Finally got a werewolf boyfriend, but he's so skinny he doesn't even rip out of his shirt when he shifts. Lame.

Met a super hot guy in science class who looked like he wanted to kill me. Turns out more Dexter than Edward. Typical.

Dating a fallen angel would be way easier if I didn't have that stupid down allergy. Hives? Not so romantic.

I went to Disneyland and met a pixie, and all I got were these vicious bite and claw marks.


You get the picture. Sadly, in Evie's world, not even fantasy lives up to fantasies.

So, RULES:

1. Tell me in the comments how a supernatural creature encounter would be light on the "super" part.
2. Post your cleverness on your blog, twitter, tumblr, facebook, or, if you have none of those, CONGRATULATIONS YOU WILL SURVIVE THE COMING INTERNET APOCALYPSE UNSCATHED! Ahem. You can, I dunno, write it on your hand in sharpie. No links necessary. Though if you do sharpie it on your hand, that's awesome, send me a picture.
3. Sacrifice a calculator on the altar of the Random Number Generator Deities and hope you win!

Further clarifications:
International entries are A-OKAY. If you don't leave your email address, please don't panic and come back and apologize and leave it. I'll find you (she says, smiling creepily). One entry per person. Cleverness gets you good karma, but doesn't affect the randomly drawn winner. Pre-ordering also gets you good karma. Just in case you were wondering.

DEADLINE: Tuesday, May 29th, 11:59 PM My Time. Or just by the time I wake up on Wednesday and get around to picking a winner.

And now I must gallop off into the sunset on the back of my unicorn. Except it's more of a plodding shuffle than a gallop. And it can't carry much weight, so I'm actually walking next to it. Plugging my nose. But you get the idea.

UPDATE: THE CONTEST IS CLOSED.

On Bleeping Profanity

(You see what I did there? You could either take it as bleeping out profanity, or take "bleeping" as a stand in for profanity. But if I have to explain it, it's really not clever anymore. DANGIT I RUIN EVERYTHING.)

Ahem.

Recently in USA Today a researcher from my Alma Mater was discussing the problem of profanity in YA literature and suggesting a ratings system for books, so that parents know what their kids are reading.

And then Gayle Forman, whom I adore so much it borders on the absurd, wrote this lovely piece (which, you have been warned, contains profanity).

I thought, being an author who is sort of known for avoiding profanity in clever and not so clever ways, I would address the same topic. That way you get it from an author (Gayle Forman) who embraces whatever words she wants to use, and an author (Yours Truly) who has been very careful not to use certain words.

First, a history: I did not know what the "F Word" was until junior high (when I went ahead and asked my older sister just so that I would know in case I ever accidentally came across it). For many years I operated under the assumption that it was a word that begins with F that describes the bodily function of passing gas, which was a very, VERY bad word in our house, and which, to this day, I can neither say nor type out, or even hear without shuddering.

IT WAS THAT BAD, GUYS.

The "Sh" word was shut up. The "C" word was crap. The "B" word was butt. So on. So forth. I remember my parents swearing maybe a total of five times during the course of my childhood and adolescence.

I, myself, have never uttered a swearword.

It's weird. I know. My husband hasn't, either. That's weirder, I'm pretty sure. But it wasn't a part of our families' vocabularies, and it wasn't a part of ours, and neither one of us has ever decided to go ahead and work those expletiving expletives into our daily lives.

And that's fine. Just like it's fine that one of my best friend's favorite word is the F word. (Probably both. But definitely the one that most people consider the actual F word.)

In writing the PARANORMALCY series, it was important to me not to include anything that I would have to apologize to a ten-year-old's mother for. (That was my standard. "If a woman tells me her ten-year-old read my book, will I feel the need to apologize?") I came up with a stand-in for profanity. It worked in context and tone of the book. Taa-daa! No worries.

But.

Here's the thing. As a writer, it's important to me to be honest. And frankly, my characters are not me. I'll repeat that, this time with emphasis: my characters are not me. And, when faced with certain situations, guess what? They want to swear.

Like, they really want to swear. They swear at me for not letting them swear. And here's a little known piece of trivia: All of my first drafts have swear words in them. Yup. Every single one. (I mean, every single first draft. Not every single swear word. I don't know all of them. I still have to look things up every once in a while just so I'm clued in to whether or not something is bad.)

One of these days, I probably won't go back through and grudgingly figure out other ways to say what my character wants to say. And you know what? That will be fine. I'm okay with that. Because here's the thing, the thing that Gayle said so well, the thing that I wish people would understand:

It is not about words, singular. It is about words, collective.

Our teens already know what the F word is, and I'm not talking about my personal F word, which they also already know. They aren't learning anything new by seeing it in a book. They hear it in the PG-13 movies you watch with them. They hear it in the halls at school. Odds are, they use it themselves sometimes.

I would hate for a teen who needs to read Gayle's books, needs to see families portrayed as living, evolving, loving entities, needs to see people make hard choices and then live with those choices, grow into them, decide to be happy regardless of what else they have been handed, teens who need to read Gayle's bleeping amazing writing and her brutally graceful, deeply affecting stories be forced to avoid them because they also include a handful of words that those teens already know but someone has arbitrarily decided qualifies an entire book as "bad."

My stand on book censorship, in any form, is and has always been and will always be this: Read with your children. Read what they are reading. Have an open (sincerely open, not "Here is what you should think about this because I say so") dialog going with them at any and all times, so that when they read something they disagree with, or agree with, or aren't sure whether they agree or disagree with, they have someone to talk with about it. Someone who loves them, and wants them to grow into happy, fully actualized and capable and smart and stable and did we mention happy adults.

Be that person for them. Don't worry so much about a specific word or two (or even twenty). Talk with you teens about the choices the characters make, about the relationships they have, about what you would do when presented with the same scenario. Participate in those collections of words with them. Help them make the choices they need to in order to grow into the people they want to be, and then support them in those choices.

Life? It's kind of rated R. We bleep it out for as long as we can with our children, but in the end, teaching and talking is always better than censoring.

And, in case you were wondering, yes, I let my children use the F-word. Not that one. The other one.

UPDATED: I recognize that there is much more that goes in to a discussion about content in books than the simple matter of profanity. It's just the easiest to identify. "This book had four uses of the F-word!" is much easier than saying, "This book glorified violence without talking about the severe personal and societal repercussions of what so much desensitization will do to us as human beings." Just as, "This book had sex--BAD!" is much easier than saying, "This book didn't have sex on page, but glorified and sensationalized intimate relationships to unreal and dangerous standards, in additional to portraying unhealthy relationships as ideal. This book, however, had a sex scene that included responsible behavior and mature choices--plus the consequences of both, whether good or bad."

See how complicated it is? This is why censorship is the wrong answer. Always.

Playing MIND GAMES

Today I got first pass pages for MIND GAMES. Those are basically this is your last chance pages, meaning any final tweaks or word changes need to happen now. They are exciting because it's the first time you see the book typeset and formatted how the final copies will be. It's also usually the last time I read my books from start-to-finish. So, both exciting and a little bittersweet. I'm looking forward to this re-read, though, as I'm about to embark on writing the sequel, currently titled I'M SORRY I CAN'T TELL YOU.

(Watch, someone will change it to that on Goodreads and I'll have to be like, umm, no, really that was a joke.)

But this book also has something very special. Observe:

 The "Also by" page!

With...my completed trilogy.

Pardon me while I have a moment.

This book means a lot to me. It's the first non-Evie book anyone will read from me, meaning it's your first chance to figure out if you like my writing because I was writing the PARANORMALCY series, or because you just plain like my writing. (I, uh, fervently hope it's the latter.)

This book is also what I view as the start to a (hopefully) long and (unavoidably, deliciously) varied career as an author. It's a departure from the Paranormalcy books, just as what comes after will be a departure from it. But with the unifying thread of, again, me.

(Please imagine me giving you my most charming, oh-please-keep-enjoying-my-writing grin. Not a day goes by that I'm not astonished and grateful this lifelong dream is a very practical and awesome career.)

So. Gooby emotions aside, how about a title page?

Oh, hey there, Gorgeous! 

And just in case you doubted me, behold:

Oh, hey there, dual non-linear POVs!

Oh, happy, happy me. Stay tuned for some excitingness regarding ENDLESSLY (which is coming out so soon, eep!) and, next month, the first look at the outside of MIND GAMES*!

Also, some more, always, thank you for reading.

So much.

*MIND GAMES is scheduled for a February 2013 release. Also: SO SOON.

Signed Copies

Very quickly: Tonight I am signing at Malaprop's in Asheville, North Carolina. If you would love a personalized, signed copy of one of my books (or, hey, both!), but I never tour in your area, this is your chance. Call them today (1-800-441-9829) and order over the phone, I'll sign and personalize tonight, and they'll ship it to you!

TAA DAA. Yay indies!

Kiersten and Hot Stuff in the UK: HARRY POTTER

Last night I was talking with Hot Stuff and showing him the pictures I was featuring today. "People are going to think we had the worst vacation ever," he said. 

WRONG. Because we found WANDS, guys. ACTUAL HISTORICAL MAGIC WANDS. OBSERVE:

A "Conductor's Baton"? Please. We know a wand when we see it.

As we were traveling through the countryside Hot Stuff and I both felt like we came to a deeper understanding of what Tolkien envisioned when he wrote about the Shire. And when we got to Edinburgh, suddenly Hogwarts and the entire wizarding world made so much more sense.

Oh, hey, friendly neighborhood castle! We don't have a lot of those in the US.

I know this sounds dorky, and it totally is, but wandering around Edinburgh among these old, amazing buildings, it really felt like it would be easy to see magic everywhere. (Also yes, we totally ate at the cafe where JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter. No pictures, because it was super crowded and I get embarrassed easily. But Hot Stuff did suggest visiting the bathrooms so I could say I used the same bathrooms JK Rowling used when she was writing Harry Potter.)

(I didn't.)

(No, seriously, I didn't.)

Me, outside of every single building: "This one must be something. What is it? IT CAN'T LOOK LIKE THIS AND JUST BE OFFICES."

We loved everywhere we went in the UK, but Edinburgh was...special. Also FREAKING COLD. But special. The architecture is amazing and everything is gray with random brilliant pops of color. We even took a ghost tour. My inner snob was like, "That's such a tourist thing!" Then my inner snob-puncher said, "YES AND GUESS WHAT YOU ARE TOURISTS." I love these old cities because you can't escape the fact that you are walking around on so much history and so many centuries of living. And the churches! It KILLS me that you can go hang out in a church that was originally built in the 1200s and people still worship there every Sunday. I look up at the soaring rafters and imagine an invisible mist of prayers and hopes, several feet thick, sent up there by generations and generations of people.

But I digress. We took the train and I got all giddy that this was the same ride from London to Edinburgh that the idea first came to JK Rowling. Except we went backwards, from Edinburgh to London. So, surprise! I came up with OPPOSITE HARRY POTTER! About a girl in the wizarding world who discovers there's a unmagical world of really boring people with no magic all around her, and that she gets to go to regular boarding school where no pets are allowed and instead of going on magical adventures they...read about them!

Ahem.

We kept wandering back to the castle to just stare at it.

I want a castle, yo.

More on castles in the next post. Because there is ALWAYS more to say about castles, right? Right. Back to the really important things: Harry Potter. Because as much as the UK pretends like it is fantasy, we know the truth. Not only did we see a witch trying desperately to pass as a muggle on the tube (no pictures, sorry, but she totally wore every piece of muggle clothing she could find, none of which matched), we also found EVEN MORE WANDS.

Do the wizards know these are here, and just laugh? Or does the government try to pull off the "hiding in plain sight" thing as far as the witch and wizard population is concerned?

One of our last days in London as we were walking along the Thames we saw even more evidence of the wizarding world. These wizards were on their way to the Wizengamot, and they forgot to try to pass as muggles:

TAKE ME TO YOUR PORTKEY.

And finally, because I wasn't kidding when I said I had a bathroom shot for every post about England, I give you: PUB BATHROOM WIZARD GRAFFITI!

Oh, Voldy. If only you knew how far your scary reputation had fallen.

Where to Find Me!

Some very quick announcements about the only appearances I have planned until ENDLESSLY's release, which, oh my gosh, is now 89 days away! That's less than three months, guys.

Tonight in San Diego is the YA OR BUST tour! Stephanie Perkins, Gayle Forman, and Nina LaCour! Obviously this is not my tour (thank goodness, I am still all the tired in the world from traveling), but I will totally be there. And, point of trivia, Steph signs my books and I sign hers. (You are always welcome to ask me to sign books if you see me at a signing, even if it isn't my signing. Just wait until after the Awesome Authors are done speaking, because I'm there as a fan.)

7 PM. Mysterious Galaxy. You really, REALLY want to be there.

On May 1st I'll be in Asheville, North Carolina, at Malaprops, with (surprise!) the lovely Stephanie Perkins, Beth Revis, and Megan Miranda. If you live anywhere near there, this is the only thing I have planned for pretty much that whole area of the country this year. I can't say for sure where (or if) I'll be touring for ENDLESSLY, but past experience has never put me farther east than Chicago.

And finally, I'll be at the LDStorymakers conference in Provo, Utah, next weekend. Enrollment is officially closed, but if you're already in, I'll be participating in the signing as well as teaching a class on plotting and one on the agent-author relationship with my fabulous agent Michelle!

Awesome. Hope to see some of you! I'm the short one who looks perpetually sleep-deprived.

Becoming a Bestseller

Today I thought I'd address just what, exactly, being a New York Times bestselling author changes.

It's a little touchy of a subject to address, because the whole system is a bit...well, let's just say some books hit when other equally (or more) deserving books don't, and no one is ever quite sure why. So, please know that I am not trying to brag. Many books I consider superior to mine do not have the distinction of being official bestsellers. I don't think it makes me better than anyone else.

It DOES, however, have some impacts, and I wanted to talk about those today to sort of break through some of the myths and explore what it really means to your every day life to be a bestseller. When I found out that PARANORMALCY had hit the list, meaning I could forever have NYT Bestselling Author attached to my name on the front of books, I really couldn't sleep for about a week I was so excited and overwhelmed. I've had some distance (and another bestseller) since then. Here's what I've discovered:

Every Day Life Changes After Hitting the List

• My hair is shinier and also grows faster
• My immune system is so robust I actually cure viruses in others merely by proximity
• Calories only count for half, so I can eat twice as much of what I love
• Bills pay themselves out of deference for my creative needs
• Sinks don't clog, tires don't go flat, dust doesn't collect on surfaces
• Pandora Internet Radio has finally realized I don't actually like Coldplay
• Papers no longer collect on every available surface of my counters demanding I sort through them and figure out just what exactly needs to be kept and what needs to be thrown away
• My kids no longer wet the bed or wake me up in the middle of the night
• Netflix always has the movies I want to watch on instant play
• My favorite television series never get canceled
• I always make green lights
• Whichever line I pick at the grocery store is always the fastest, no matter what
• Facebook, as a courtesy, automatically prevents people from sending me all of those #&$^@% game requests

And finally,

• The first pair of pants I try on while shopping always fit perfectly, every single time

However, lest you think everything is sunshine and rainbows (which, incidentally, it only rains when I want it to now), here is how my writing life has changed:

Every Day Writing Life Changes After Hitting the List

•  

There you have it! How life changes after earning the bestseller distinction. Hope that was helpful. If you'll excuse me, I have to go admire my shiny, shiny hair, while hoping this synopsis writes itself.

Kiersten and Hot Stuff in the UK: The Sherlock Edition

Part One of Adventures in the UK: SHERLOCK

I can safely say that, as we traveled across England and Scotland, our views and opinions were heavily influenced by books, films, and television we love. To quote Hot Stuff, after we had taken a train through the English countryside and arrived in Edinburgh, "I feel like I finally understand JRR Tolkien and JK Rowling."

Yes, readers, it's obvious why I married him.

So, today's pictures revolve around Sherlock Holmes. I have a teensy eensy massive obsession with all things Sherlock Holmes. Particularly the BBC series, but I am not picky: I will take him in any form.

Naturally, every time we had a view of this thing, I had to hum the "Sherlock" theme song.

Can't you just see the opening credits flashing through your head?

As we walked around London (the entire city--SERIOUSLY WE WALKED ALL OVER THE WHOLE FREAKING CITY I HAVE THE BLACK, BRUISED TOENAILS TO PROVE IT ahem sorry) Hot Stuff would point out various landmarks or random buildings that had been featured at some point in the series.

Imagine our delight when we found this beneath a bridge, straight from the scene where Sherlock contacts a member of his homeless network!

Benedict! WHERE ARE YOU?

Hot Stuff ran up the stairs to get in the picture, then got a really sheepish grin and slunk back down. Turns out...there was an actual homeless person asleep up there. Probably waiting for Sherlock to come and ask for help!

Or just sleeping. 

The first day we were there, we took the tube to get to Hot Stuff's sister's reception. (Which was awesome.) We were doing a pretty good job of blending in--walking on the left, etc--but that was all blown when we passed a stop and I shouted, "OH MY GOSH IT'S BAKER STREET!!"

So, naturally, we set time aside to actually get off at Baker Street and visit the Sherlock Holmes Museum.

221B! 221B! I don't know who that dude is, though.

Also yes I am wearing flip flops with a coat and a scarf. How would Sherlock interpret me?

Inside was...a kind of delightfully kitschy museum with displays and mannequins, etc. This is Sherlock's front room. I am VERY. EXCITED. 

VERY. EXCITED.

And, of course, while wandering around a townhouse decorated as though Sherlock Holmes lives there, one must mock and imitate the statuary. 

Why so serious?

Wait. Wrong series.

The window afforded a lovely view. I can only assume this is where Sherlock and Watson go to get mani/pedis after chasing down mysteries. 

What color do you think they paint their toenails?

I participated in the pondering of Mysterious Corpses. Also I kind of look possessed. MAYBE THEY CAN SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF MY INABILITY TO LOOK NORMAL IN PHOTOS, GUYS! 

I almost bought a bowler hat. And a pipe. And I wanted to high-five the fellow tourist humming the "Sherlock" theme song in the gift shop.

They had a notebook of letters students had written to Sherlock Holmes. Most revolved around "mysteries" they needed him to solve. This was the best letter of all. 

Dear Student:

There is a difference between dead and fictional.

Also you are adorable.

And finally, in the first of a series, it's a toilet! SHERLOCK'S toilet. 

 Surprisingly floral.

Stay tuned for the next entries: CASTLES and HARRY POTTER.

Which also include toilets. Naturally.

Some People Are Gay

Two things I love! Clever advertising and Harry Potter!

So, I'm a bit sleep-deprived (if you go for twenty-four hours without sleeping, you should get to sleep for twenty-four hours to make up for it, right? RIGHT?), but I felt like this was worth posting about today.

I loved this ad campaign on buses in London because it's exactly how I feel about the entire "issue." It shouldn't be an issue. Some people are gay. Get over it.

I never know whether to laugh or cry when people refer to "the gays" like they are some unified, plotting political group. It's like saying "the blondes" or "the short people." (Though, to be honest, the short people really do have a complicated and sinister master plan to subvert the entire culture of the US and take over the world. Nobody suspects the short ones.)

My feeling on it is that gay people aren't gay people. They are people. They also happen to be gay. It doesn't make them any worse (or better) than anyone else, any more than being a creative person or a short person or an American makes me better or worse than anyone else. If we could stop viewing people who are gay as "other," we could stop worrying about it and let everyone get on with their lives, gay or straight or somewhere in between. 

We always get in trouble when we view whole groups of people as a singular entity based on one identifying aspect. Haven't we learned that yet?

Here is an It Gets Better video made by a student group at my Alma Mater, a private religious university. It's taken a long time for change. There's still a lot of change that needs to happen.

The next time you are tempted to define someone by a single characteristic, remember these students, each struggling to figure out where they belong in the world. (Just like...everyone else. But with the bonus of centuries of prejudices to make life even harder! That's a really sucky bonus.) Remember that they are brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, friends and neighbors--who deserve an added measure of compassion and understanding. They are people. Who also happen to be gay.

Get over it.

London Meetup!

Oh, England, how I adore you. I wasn't able to set up a formal signing, but how about this: Sunday, 12 noon, meet me outside the Tower Hill tube stop. (That'd be the one right by the Tower of London.) I will be there until 12:30 guaranteed. After that my carriage turns back into a... Wait. I mean, after that I revert back to giddy tourist mode and Author Kiersten disappears. I hope some of you can make it! Cheers! PS More on my giddy adventures in Anglophylia later. They include dogs that can bite through metal and sharing accommodations with King Henry...the eighth.

Congrats Executive Editor Erica!

Those of you who have been around for any amount of time at all know how much I adore my editor, Erica Sussman. Not only is she all things delightful in general, she's also a brilliant editor. I have no higher praise for her than that, after her edits, my books always feel MORE like my books than before. She sees exactly what needs to happen in order for me to hit everything I was trying to in the first place.

Also, she is the owner of Berkeley:

Who is also an excellent editor. And a dog. A ridiculously adorable editing dog. (In a bit of trivia that will mean nothing to you for several months, Berkeley has a cameo in one of my upcoming books. She's angling for her own spinoff series. Rightly so.)

I wanted to take this opportunity to gush a bit and congratulate Erica, who was just promoted to Executive Editor. As far as I have been able to determine, the editorial line goes: Editorial Assistant, Associate Editor, Senior Editor, Executive Editor, and Editorial Director.

Which of those titles grants the power to EXECUTE people? That's right. Only Erica's. She's like the 007 of publishing: a license to kill.

You can bet I never miss a deadline.

Seriously, though--it couldn't be more well deserved, and I am grateful every day that my professional life has Erica in it. She is a joy to work with and I feel incredibly fortunate to know her as an editor and friend!

Feel free to leave congrats in the comments. And please remember: she can execute you now.

Teen! Drama!

Teen! Drama!

An Original Television Series

by Kiersten White

Season 3, Episode 12: Because We're the Good Guys

ANNOUNCER GUY

Previously on Teen! Drama!, everyone was in love with everyone else depending on the episode, but as usual you are only supposed to be invested in CARA and HOT GUY while also wanting CARA and SMOKING HOT COUSIN (HOT GUY's cousin, because the show isn't THAT edgy) to finally GET IT ON in something other than a dream sequence. Also it was revealed that HOT GUY and SMOKING HOT COUSIN are half-kraken, doomed to forever shoot ink out of their hands at inopportune times, and thirst after the tears of mortals, sucking them dry.

Ext. Scene: Random Alley that could be anywhere but that careful observers will recognize was used in several key exposition scenes in past seasons, because alleys are infinitely conducive to plot progression. It's in the rules.

SIRENA

Finally, I get the screen time my vampy overacting deserves!

VILLAIN DU JOUR

No no, we don't vamp on this show. We're ocean-themed paranormal creatures.

SIRENA

But all mid-twenties hotties.

VILLAIN DU JOUR

Of course. One cannot be evil without also being blisteringly hot.

SIRENA

Our show kills off more hotties in a single episode than most shows get in a whole series! Speaking of, have we captured CARA yet?

VILLAIN DU JOUR

Why do we need to capture her again? Please remind me and also the viewers who were so distracted by my perfectly sculpted hair and abs.

VILLAIN DU JOUR makes his shirt dissolve, the special power of male sirens because having sexy voices is so three centuries ago.

SIRENA

Because she has the Precious Tears of Preciousness, the mythical salt of which will forever secure the power of the ocean, rendering us impervious to harm. After all, the only point of immortality is securing even more immortality.

VILLAIN DU JOUR

Are her Precious Tears of Preciousness also why all the guys on this show fall in love with her?

SIRENA

No, that is because of her shiny, shiny hair. Her tears are just a bonus.

Int. Car scene, with CARA and PLAIN FRIEND driving down a dark road in a FORD BRAND, four-wheel drive with all the options. CARA is troubled, as is obvious by the swelling tones of emotional indie music.

CARA

I don't know what to do. I love HOT GUY, and I will always love him--

PLAIN FRIEND

Because you two were together for like three months, during which you broke up no fewer than five times?

CARA

Exactly! But it was at the beginning of the show, so it means we are The Couple. But anyway, since we had to break up after he sucked all of the tears out of my mom--

PLAIN FRIEND

Where IS your mom?

CARA

We killed her off in season two because she wouldn't stop harping on the fact that she was only two years older than me. Can we please just focus? As I was saying, after HOT GUY's crazy tear bender that killed half the population of the town, of course I had to break up with him. Even though he only went off the deep end to protect me.

PLAIN FRIEND

He tried squirting ink over your eyes so you wouldn't see him like that. Even when he is overcome with his dark Kraken side, he cares about you.

CARA

That was thoughtful of him. But also really gross. And after he left town to lure SIRENA away, SMOKING HOT COUSIN had to protect me and my crystal tears, and we've gotten really close.

PLAIN FRIEND

What IS so special about your tears, anyway?

CARA

When I cry, my mascara never runs.

CARA demonstrates by staring out the window and letting perfectly beautiful tears streak down her face, which is neither red nor puffy.

PLAIN FRIEND

You're right, that's mystical. But your life sucks. You have to choose between two super hot guys who can and will do anything to protect you. My last three boyfriends died as minor plot points. Also my mom. And my sister. And anyone who has ever been important to me. And all of the plot points that killed them swirled around you.

CARA squeezes out several more crystalline tears.

Int. sleek, modern apartment of HOT GUY and SMOKING HOT COUSIN. A huge fish tank features prominently across the length of an entire wall. SMOKING HOT COUSIN is filling his mandatory ten minutes of shirtless time as contractually obligated. HOT GUY is holding out until the end of the episode.

SMOKING HOT COUSIN

You know Sirena is planning something.

HOT GUY

Yes. I am not sure why we are having this conversation.

SMOKING HOT COUSIN

Because we need to keep CARA safe at all costs.

HOT GUY

Because you want to make out with her.

SMOKING HOT COUSIN

Because I want to have the inky depths of my soul redeemed by the purity of her tears of love.

HOT GUY

While making out with her.

SMOKING HOT COUSIN

Obviously.

HOT GUY

We should go check the alleys.

Ext. Alley of Plot Progression. WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX comes out carrying trash bags with his bulging biceps. This week he is once again working at Cool Teen Hangout, which is apparently where this alley is located.

WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX

Oh, hey SIRENA. Is some supernatural violence about to go down? Because I can take out the trash later.

SIRENA

I think you should stay.

SIRENA employs the full power of her hypnotic siren eyes. WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX is grateful to have something interesting happening to him for once, instead of having to listen to CARA talk about her dating dilemmas.

HOT GUY

Unhand that innocent teenager!

SIRENA

What do you mean, innocent?

SMOKING HOT COUSIN

We won't let you hurt him in order to get to CARA! We'd kill him before we let you use him to hurt Cara!

WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX

...wait. How is that better?

SIRENA

He has a point. Why is it bad if I hurt people to get the things that I want?

CARA and PLAIN FRIEND enter the alley and stumble upon the confrontation.

CARA

Because you are BAD!

SIRENA

Because I hurt and kill people to protect my own best interests.

CARA

Yes!

SIRENA

Please refer to the scripts from seasons one through three and count the bodies left in the wakes of your two boyfriends. Also yourself. And PLAIN FRIEND. And WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX.

CARA pulls out bundles of paper and starts flipping through them. Finally she throws them to the ground.

CARA

Look, I can't do that kind of math under this pressure. Not with everyone staring at me. But the fact remains that your violence is evil, and our violence is necessary!

SIRENA

Because why?

PLAIN FRIEND

Because she has such shiny, shiny hair.

SIRENA

Right. Although my hair IS--

TOKEN BLONDE

Nobody has better hair than I do. Why am I not the main character?

VILLAIN DU JOUR

Where did you even come from?

TOKEN BLONDE kills VILLAIN DU JOUR.

CARA

See? Necessary! She's still on Team Good, because she only kills to protect the sanctity of my tears.

SIRENA

Whatevs. I need to run away now to find some previously unmentioned UBER BAD GUY with all sorts of backstory that in the three seasons of this show has never been so much as alluded to. Perhaps he will be a shark, and we will all jump him.

SMOKING HOT COUSIN

I've got a mortgage to pay. Keep the crazy storylines coming.

WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX

You know, guys, I think she may have had a point. Why is she evil for killing people in pursuit of her goals, whereas you all get a pass for lots of killing because, at the end of the day, you love CARA?

CARA

THE HAIR, WHBTNE. LOOK AT MY HAIR.

WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX

Right. Sorry.

Storytelling Cheats

All I'm saying is, if we could just say, "Cut to sweeping shot of MC looking happy/devastated/quietly sobbing/staring pensively into the future while [insert evocative, swelling, appropriately trendy and indie song] plays over everything," it'd make writing a lot easier.

eBooks, I'm looking at you for this type of functionality. Get on it.

What storytelling cheats from movies and television do you wish you could employ in writing?

Questions?

I am trying to Do All the Things in preparation for a lot of upcoming travel. And it turns out Doing All the Things makes me grouchy. But I give myself a Being an Adult Merit Badge every time I accomplish something like going to the post office or paying bills or cleaning. So far I have...not very many.

To answer some questions I've been getting a lot lately:

Movie news?

Yes! Sort of. Mostly news that there is no new news, but there is the potential for more. The PARANORMALCY movie is moving along, with the screenplay nearing completion and the fabulously talented Ray Kay still attached to direct. Other than that, business as usual, which means: waiting.

Hey, Taylor Swift. You like pretty, sparkly things. Evie likes pretty, sparkly things. How about you play her in a movie? She'd love your music, too. Call me.

When does ENDLESSLY come out?

July 24th in the US. Elsewhere...I rarely know. Sorry. But YAY NOT VERY MUCH LONGER!

Are you writing more books?

Always. No more Evie books, but the start of my next series, MIND GAMES, will be out early 2013! Less than a year away. EEP. Hopefully you like dark thrillers. You like them, right? Of course you like them. After that, my Egyptian mythology-based novel will be out in the fall of 2013, and two more books in 2014. I promise I'm keeping very, very busy.

Do you have any upcoming signings?

I only have two scheduled events before ENDLESSLY's release. The first is the LDStorymaker's Conference in Provo, Utah, May 4th and 5th. I'll be giving a class on plotting and also doing a panel with my Agent of Awesome, Michelle Wolfson, about the agent-author relationship. (Though...I would go so far as to say ours is not exactly typical, unless emailing fantasy plans to tour Europe together is something all agents and authors regularly do. I don't know. Maybe they do.)

And, in VERY EXCITING news, I'll be in North Carolina this May! I'm going to visit my darling Stephanie Perkins, and we're doing a signing in Asheville at Malaprop's, with Beth Revis and Megan Miranda. I'm thrilled! This is the farthest East I have ever made it (typically I have not been toured past Chicago), so if you can make it, well...I don't want to say THIS IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE, because if I do suddenly I'll get a tour schedule that is entirely East Coast and I'll be all, heh, sorry guys, turns out it wasn't your only shot, but anyway, as far as I know this is my only Eastern US event for the foreseeable future.

How happy does it make you when the foreign rights department at HarperTeen sells your books in territories with yummy food you can go eat to celebrate?

SO HAPPY. How did you know to ask me that question??

Got any more questions? Ask them in the comments and I'll try to answer them today. Disclaimer: I'm sick and haven't gotten much sleep. Loopiness is pretty much a given at this point.